Our crazy weekend started up with a preschool evaluation for Bug. It’s a special needs preschool and they screen for eligibility. Upon Bug’s screening they gave me a number to register him with the school system. They said he would do great there but to book an appointment ASAP. DONE!
No sooner did I get home and my phone rang. We have Bug on several waiting lists with Developmental and Behavioral specialists to get a firm diagnosis for his issues. I was told spring or early 2018. Surprisingly they had a last minute cancellation and wanted us downtown on Wednesday 😱
I worked all weekend but my mind is making lists of what I need to take. Papers from his other doctors. I’m excited and exhausted. The sense of near relief is lingering. As soon as I get a concrete diagnosis I can apply for help for him in several ways. Finally we’re making head way!
Yesterday my heart broke a little bit. For the first time I noticed the gaping difference between Koby and one of his best friends. The child asked why he was being weird and said they didn’t want to play with him. Granted he was squealing and running in circles holding his kindle over his head avoiding sharing. I know his behavior can be off the wall. He won’t use his words and just screams. They are 8 days apart in age and have always been as thick as thieves. I had a moment of panic, if this is his best friend what happens when he’s trying to make new friendships.
Everywhere I go and everyone we meet I feel my breath catch in my throat. How will he react? How will people react to his lack of boundaries and insatiable curiousness. He will climb onto a stranger to check out their watch. He has no volume control inside. He doesn’t take directions or corrections. I love him more than life, but I hurt for him too. He doesn’t seem to notice people’s dirty looks or comments. It scares me he will one day. How do I protect him from it all.
My mental and emotional fatigue are at an all time high. People around me what’s wrong all the time. They ask if I’m feeling under the weather when they see the bags under my eyes. I feel the weight of Bug’s world on my shoulders. I’m an anxious scared mess. He has a preschool evaluation Friday and I’m terrified of what the specialists might say
So for everyone who wants to know that’s how I am…
With my two hands I've lived a hundred truths and created more than I could have ever imagined. I've cradled both of my newborns, caught numerous animals and found them forever homes, and slayed virtual foes of all shapes and forms in video games. I create potholders, blankets, coasters, clothing, and many a meal. I've always judged myself by the deeds I've accomplished and the objects I birthed into existence. I forget that I'm a person too.
Many moms and artists seem to forget that we have to care for not only our tools and creations, but also our sanity. In the end I cannot afford to burn out. If I really love all that I care for I have to start by caring for myself. Without me what would my kids, pets, and family do?
This is just a daily reminder that YOU matter too. All of the good you're capable of isn't possible without you. Keep on keeping on.
You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star -Friedrich Nietzsche
My life's goal was to become an artist. I wanted to draw and paint, sculpt and write. I always had a creative and unbounded imagination. I dream vividly in full electric color and my mind never stops churning. Lo and behold I have paralyzingly extreme anxiety. I blame my beautiful and endless stream of thought. Now add onto this becoming a mother which comes with never ending worry. It's quite the combo.
Enter in my husband who couldn't operate more differently than I do. He's all calculations and literal translations. He will correct anyone about anything involving cold hard facts. They say opposites attract and in our case it's true.
The point is my handsome little Bug is the perfect overlap of our ways of thinking. He's very literal in every sense. Things are black and white in his little world. He seems to inherited his mama's internal brain chaos. My sweet boy is always overwhelmed and our battle has begun to try and help him navigate it all daily.
From his constant energy and non stop movements. The constant climbing and tripping. It's a never ending war between trying to tire him out and keep him from over stimulation and melt down. We've found some methods that have helped in therapy, but I've yet to follow up at home due to the prices of therapeutic equipment.
Amongst the chaos of my household I'm attempting to earn money while still being present for both of our kids. I've been selling crochet goods here and there and using the money towards co pays or supplies for diy sensory equipment. It can be quite the challenge with Bug melting down and Toots climbing all over me. Toots is only 19 months so I understand she wants cuddles but I'm trying my best for their sake.
I just hope at the end of the day both of my kids know how much they're loved. I'm trying to use my hobbies to help the household. I'm trying to turn my chaos into beneficial creation. I just apologize to all my friends. I'm an always exhausted zombie.
I hope everyone has an amazing day. I'm off to my next commission project 😬
I am a mother. I am a wife. I am crafty.
I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I’ve always been born to create. Whether it was creating my tiny humans, making delicious recipes, art, or handmade items.
My grandma started it all. She taught me to make pot holders on a square loom. I then learned to do lap weaving from an old set of hexagon looms she had from the seventies. I moved onto cross stitch, then failed at learning to knit, and then became possessed with a hunger to crochet. It’s only grown from there. Sewing is my next venture I’m afraid to take the plunge but I’ll get there.
I spend my days shifting between all my hobbies:
- Video games
Between my anxiety and parenting I don’t get a ton of adult interaction. I’m hoping maybe by sharing some of my projects and goings on it’ll help me feel less isolated. I’ve always found that by sharing my passions and worries that I feel better.
Lately I’ve been incredibly stressed and preoccupied with projects for my Bug. That’s my nickname for my son. We’re exploring the possibility that he has special needs and sensory issues. I figure as I DIY things to help him I can chronicle it here to help others or at least so I can review it for further development.
I’d be thrilled if anyone could get a giggle or information that they can utilize.
Now it’s time for errands and Bug’s 3rd therapy appointment with the occupational therapist!
Good day all!